1. You advertise GAIN as a ‘preventative’ programme. What does this mean?
As a general principle, the better our communication, the less there will be to go wrong with our relationships. If we wait for little issues to become big issues, they can lead to misunderstandings and eventually relationship breakdown or even crisis. It makes a lot of sense to deal with things when they’re little, or even, to put things in place to stop them happening in the first place. This is what GAIN does best. All families have ‘speed wobbles’ at times. This is absolutely normal. However, once a family is in crisis, then GAIN is usually not the best option. There are other agencies which offer support in times of crisis.
2. If I can’t get my son/daughter to agree to come, can I come by myself?
Unfortunately, no. There are parenting programmes which cater for parents by themselves (see Links for Parents) but the GAIN Family Programme is specifically designed for young people and parents together. That’s why it’s called a ‘family programme’. We’re pretty clear about this, but we do understand how frustrating and disappointing it can be for a parent to want to come but not be able to convince their teen or visa versa. We’ve put together a ‘handy hints’ page for parents who want some help with this. Parents are also very welcome to ring and chat through some ‘strategic options’ with the manager.
The other thing to remember is that sometimes another adult can bring a child - foster parent, grandparent, godparent, older sibling.
3. I have a five year old, a ten year old and a thirteen year old? Can I bring them all?
We’d love to say yes, but we’re sorry … another ‘no’. It just doesn’t work. Even if littlies are very well behaved and independent, they take parents’ time and attention away from the relationship supposed to be getting the focus, ie: the one between the teenager and the parent. At worst, they are distracting. GAIN is for teenagers and parents or caregivers of teens. The only options are for families to find a babysitter or just send one parent along with the teenager. Having said this, we appreciate this is tough on some families, especially those who are single parenting.
4. What if only one of us (parent) can come each night?
Having both parents along is ideal, but families are busy places. Sometimes, too, there are babysitting issues or one parent has night work. When one parent only can come, we recommend the parent with the weaker lines of communication with the attending young person comes as this relationship stands to gain most benefit.
5. If I am sick one night or my child is away on school camp, does the rest of the family have to miss out on that session?
No, when a family has made a clear commitment to the programme it is quite acceptable for one member to be absent for a session and the others to still attend. We do hope however that people will prioritise the evening, as the five sessions build onto each other. It is always useful too however if their intention to do this can passed on to the facilitators prior to the event.
6. Will the school get to hear about stuff that people say during the programme?
The rule is ‘what’s said in the group stays in the group’. This is part of the initial ‘group agreement’ that we put together on the first night and facilitators are equally bound by this rule. As a courtesy, feedback from the programme is sent to the school at the completion of the course but this is always done in such a way to preserve participants’ anonymity and privacy.
7.GAIN sounds a bit like one of these ‘warm and fuzzy’ programmes, like counselling or group therapy? Is it really like this?
It’s very common for all group work to be seen as ‘therapy’ but many groups are primarily educational and GAIN is one of these. Having said this, people who do GAIN often find there are ‘therapeutic’ as well as ‘educational’ outcomes. For example, at the end of the programme parents often report they feel ‘encouraged’ or ‘not so alone’, while young people say they’ve ‘gained confidence’ and feel ‘more connected to their family’. Each night information is presented in a series of structured activities so that skills can be taught but sometimes the learning comes through simply being with others and listening to their thoughts and opinions. This is one of the great things about GAIN – both adults and teens can have equal say, have their own opinions and learn from each other.
8. My parents are SO embarrassing. I am terrified of coming with them. They will say something stupid – like, my room is a mess, or say my friends are no good, or shame me out somehow. How do you cope with embarrassing parents?
Facilitators are careful to maintain good group ‘boundaries’ and make it clear on the first night that this group is NOT the place for parent or young people to ‘shame out’ other family members by being critical or rude. Being exposed and shamed is a very real fear for all young people, and sometimes for parents too. However, hundreds of people come through our programmes every year and in our experience, this kind of thing happens very rarely. But if it did happen? Then a facilitator would talk about this with the parent during the supper break or ring and have a chat with them during the week.
The other thing to remember is, young people have a choice about whether they sit with their family/parents during the programme. It’s up to them.
9. I am single parenting/parenting in a blended family. Will this programme have material that will specifically help me?
The material in the GAIN Family Programme offers tools for improving family life, whatever ‘shape or size’ that family is. However, single parenting and blended families often carry an extra load and realise good communication and problem-solving strategies are essential if things are going to work well. We get a good number of single parenting and blended families attend our programmes and feedback from them is always very positive. Sometimes we even get separated parents attending together with their young people or grandparents or foster parents bringing young people. All families are equally welcome in the GAIN programme.
10. What sort of things do people say after they’ve done the programme?
Young people say things like:
- “It was fun. I’m sorry it’s finished”
- “I made new friends and enjoyed myself”
- “I thought it would be boring but it wasn’t. It was great.”
- “I liked all the role plays. They were funny.”
- “The suppers were great. Thank you.”
- “My mum/dad is listening to me and keeping their cool.”
- “I use the listening skills with my friends. It’s really helping.”
- “Keep up the good work.”
Parents/caregivers say things like:
- “I feel reassured and realise I’m okay and my kid is okay. That’s good to know.”
- “I knew a lot of the stuff before I came, but it’s different doing it with my child. I really valued spending quality time with her.”
- “We talk differently now ... like, I listen and shut up. I don’t interrupt. I don’t give advice. I don’t criticise .. all those ‘communication blockers’ we looked at.. It’s taken our relationship to another level and it’s more like adult to adult.”
- “I didn’t think I needed it ... I thought we were okay … but I’ve learned a lot. Thank you.”
- “Lots to think about and practice together. The good thing is, my teen tells me when I’m not listening or using assertiveness techniques. We sort of make it a game and encourage one another. Sometimes he’s the teacher and helps me. I like that.”
- “I’ve realised we actually had no rules. I’d been the ‘friend’ and not the ‘adult’ in our relationship, which was not working. After hearing other people talk I’ve started to be firmer and clearer, and things are much better.”
- “We do ‘family meetings’ now. I mean, our thirteen year old called one this week, told us what we needed to talk about, ran the meeting, took minutes. There was no arguing. People listened. It was great.”
- “I’ve still got a lot to learn but I’ve kept the handouts and I’m reading them. The resources you gave us were great. Thank you.”
- “I’m handling things at work differently. I’ve got a difficult boss. Now I use assertiveness techniques. I feel more in control … it’s great.”